Hey there!

Bismillah,

so....I know I shouldve update more but the past few days Ive been worn out completely. I slept more than usual. I was more dazed at work and in life in general. I was also extra hungry. I checked my monthly calander app on my hp and realise that my period will come in 2 weeks time. Yes people, my premenstrual syndrom or symptoms tend to come by that early prior to my period. Alhamdulillah, my period is not as bad as most as I dont experience intense crammps like others do. I just get extra hungry, my face get extra oily with maybe 1 or 2 new visitors named zit and pimple, INTENSE back pain like my back will feel extra extra stiff and uncomfortable than usual. Lately,I realise another possible new symptoms which is "dazed" which is quite a discovery for me. It sucks because I couldnt focus at work, I was extra awkward and self conscious. I suspected my movements to be more stiff and robotic than my normal uncaring and relaxed self.

I dont remember when exactly but a few days ago I woke up from a weird and scary nightmare. I dont remember what the nightmare was about. It was around 3+am and I decided to just wake up and do an extensive room tidy. I also braced myself to go head to the mosque for subuh prayer. It was nice. I remember I was the first woman to reach there and thank God there was soon another 2 woman to arrive and join the jemaah prayers with me. I love the serenity that comes with praying at the mosque, I even love the calming and relaxing/cooling walk towards there from my house with the cool breeze and the lack of human along the road. I guess Im build weird like that. But I prefer being as invincible as possible and when I left the mosque I was hoping it to be as discreet as possible and didnt want to catch any of the male's attention...hopefully. I worked A shift that particular day and when I ended work I decided to pray Isha at the mosque as well. All was good. If only I could be as great as accomplishing my "in between" prayers at work which Im still working on.

This is what sucks about being in Singapore, a non muslim country. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my country to death and am proud to a be a citizen and also of the governments accomplishments at raising the country. I guess it has less to do with the country and more to do with me. I have this character trait where I intensely dislike being the center of attention. I like to be invincible and discreet and blend in as much possible without people giving me another glance. I love being ignored. But I guess this is why the prophet say we muslims are strangers and will remain so in the disbeliever's eyes whether we like it or not. I used to not understand that phrase, now I kinda get it. Our lifestyle is just built that way.

For instance, praying in a public non-islamic setting, alone. I would stand out like a sore thumb. Even taking ablution. Mind you, I work in retail at a mall. There are perhaps more courageous muslims out there, but so far Ive been taking my ablution in the handicapped toilet where I do do it privately without the judgemnetal or confused stares of people. Prayers, Ive been doing them in the cotton on fitting room which constantly blasts loud distracting music and it was quite troublesome. Im trying to build the courage to stop giving a damn about people around me and stop being so conscious. Because honestly my accompishments of prayers are at stake here.

Sometimes...no it actually is a fact. Im always faced with the dilemma of eating a proper full meal, taking ablution and pray in private or reaplying makeup/rest. I can only chose two of the 3 mentioned above. Obviously if I end up missing my prayers, I dont reapply my makeup and just take that time to rest the little that I can. but make up man, once you start you just cant go back. When I do wudhu, I remove them completely with oil cleanser. But after I pray I just dont feel good about going back to work bare faced. I just feel naked. Dont get me wrong, I dont even wear that much makeup. Just a very light layer of foundation and a tinted lip balm or nude lipstick. I just like to look presentable.

gtg.