Bismillah,

I swear I am tired and I wanted to sleep. Even my insomnia is finally given in. I mean its 3:22am in the morning! But before I decided to call it a day I read another chapter from the book Yasmin Mogahed "reclaim your heart". It is a good book.

Initially I was skeptic. Most motvatinal books just sound too disney channel for me, like unicorns rainbows and daisies. They normally tell us the obvious things to not end up a loser in life: work hard, never give up, blah blah common logic.

This book does have a way with words and with creating imagery in your head to grasp concepts better. I am still in the early chapters of this books. I should have highlighted a certain good phrases that I can later turn into quotes but alas, I didnt.

But what I could recall from the book from my lack of memory is:
1) this world is like the sea. Its a means to get to your destination but should not be your destination. Once you get too attached to this world, its as if you are sailing in a boat and you let the water ino your boat and eventually drown you. My descriptions here is obviously less than perfect but you get the gists of it.

2) (the most recent of what I read)

If you seek Him, God can raise you up, and replace the darkness of the ocean with the light of His sun. He can transform what was once your greatest weakness into your greatest strength, and a means of growth, purification and redemption. Know that transformation sometimes begins with a fall. So never curse the fall. The ground is where humility lives. Take it. Learn it. Breathe it. And then come back stronger, humbler and more aware of  your need for Him....

"Transformation begins with a fall". That rings so true to me in regards to my pass work experience at Uniqlo. The first few months I was there was pure torture. The amount of time I was scolded, criticized, pushed to my breaking was what eventually transform me and polished me into a better staff compared to those who worked there in a smooth sailing. We were once in a "meeting" and was asked regarding a task. I was able to answer and perform better than another staff who worked longer than me, which made me finally saw the purpose of those tough times. Obviously for that person, he was more relaxed, chill and late back while I had more deep lines in my forhead from the stress of constant self depreciation. Lol, not really. Those signs of aging havent crept up on me yet, Im just trying to sound eloquent and poetic lol. But I was more rigid and calculative. 

Though working at that store was a pain up my ass, Im glad I stick through it for a year because it tough me invaluable lessons about work.
1. I am stronger than I think I am capable of
2. When the going gets tough, close your eyes, breathe in very deeply. Open your eyes, and tune yourself out of the situation until you calm yourself down. And tell yourself, No matter how hellish this is, no matter how I feel like Im being ripped apart to pieces, and everything is falling down on me, its just a passing emotion and just a passing condition which will be over sooner than I think. It is not as bad and as dramatic an outcome as in my head, and when I think whats the worst that could happen is just merely me getting fired which is not that big of a deal if you hate that job anyways and thank god dont have responsibilities up your shoulders like your parents do in raising a family. This is merely an opportunity for me to explore and learn and even fail and make mistakes. When I thought of how the worst that could happen is simply getting fired, I became more relaxed and fearless of the scoldings, the painful critics and the constant demeaning nature of the job. I can actually look them in the eye daring them to fire me in my head like "so what? I dare you". They wont fire me easily, because they need me more than they would love to admit.

3. I learn how to stick up to myself and how selfishness has a place and a time where its much needed. You should be always open to learning new things and expand/polish your skills at work. But you must also be careful and aware that some people would exploit you especially if you constantly and naively nod your head away to everything they tell you. Your best interest is never in anyone else's head, especially in corporate businesses. YOU should be your own boss. YOU should know and plan your best interests. YOU should prioritize you well being, health, happiness, future, family and your greater good. NO one else will, believe me.

4. I relaised how those hard times really polished me and transform me because at those times my brain was on high alert, working to its maximum capacity, pushing myself to the limit in hopes to avoid getting scolded. I keep pushing my brain to think and to think. TO improvise, to constantly see how to cut down time and fasten my movements and productivity at work. And I can finally end the work day with relief and pride, head held high, because I finally did the job well and accomplish my task. It can be quite fullfilling and rewarding.

5. I learnt to never do a job well on the basis of pleasing the boss, or the customers or anyone. I learnt to do it well, simply because I want to, for myself fulfillment, and for my personal gauge as to what my limit could me and to constantly push it as far as I can. Trust me, it is common to do a job really well and have no one at work catching up or noticing your glorious moments and having them coincidentally and conveniently only noticing you at the worst of time. If you want to do a job well simply on the basis of pleasing people and impressing them or earning their respect and attention, you gonna leave yourself with multiple heartaches and mental problems lol. You gonna be constantly disappointed and let down, used and under-appreciated.

6. The greatest revenge you can give to your boss or supervisor, is not to quit so easily and so early. It is to get better and soo good at your job and let them be so reliant and impressed by your reliability. Let them use you for the time being. In fact, tolerate the negligence for the time being. Once you get great, then you quit. This way, even though they might not notice or appreciate your presence, they will severely feel your absence and suffer more lol. All the time they think they successfully used you and bend you to their qualms when in all actuality you are secretly using them and the platform to polish yourself more and more while at the same time not be attached to them so then when the time comes for you to leave they cant manipulate or guilt you into staying.


In any case guys, I am not perfect. I have a lot of issues. Damn, I wish I could fix them. I am a working progress, believe me. I have faults which I remain hidden. I also have minor qualms with my religion or rather questions, which I wish God will eventually give me the answer and wisdom to.

wow.
I really need to sleep now guys.
haha, bye.
Sorry for the abrupt ending. Till next time!  


  

Bismillah,

Sup!

Yup, my face mask day has arrived and here I am, typing while I wait for it to dry.

Urgh, lets start with the first thing on y mind.

Leg itch
Shaving is a curse. Once you shave, you cant stop because your hair would grow back thicker, darker and more coarse. Its easily to be put off by the looks of an unshaven legs.. I only shave my calf area, even though its not done for the purpose of showing it to anyone, I just feel more secure and clean when its shaven. But damn, the itch though. Every time, every shave. You gonna make yourself looked very rugged and gross scratching your recently shaven smooth legs on public. People will think you didnt shower or something. The itch is soo bad. Every itch will make you wonder if its even worth it.

Skincare
Current
Morning: wash face, normally pat dry and bb cream with spf straight

Night: Oil cleanse, Foam cleanse with either facial brush or the foaming equipment thingy I bought from daiso. Followed by DOY by Body Shop, OOL by Body shop, (occasionally if in the mood I'll put on the cheap hada Labo 30 day mask), OOL eye cream, OOL cream frm BS.

Every 3 days at night: Oil cleanse, face scrub either St Ives Apricot troubled skin which is my personal long time favourite scrub, or Skinfood black sugar scrub which is quite recently adapted and way more pricey. Then I pat dry with tissue, and use my Body Shop Himalayan Charcoal Clay mask. Then I use, Drops of youth concentrate by body shop, then drops of oil by body shop, then sheet mask and maybe a mosturizer like the body shop OOL cream.

Trust me, I used to be anti-sheet masks because they can congest the skin especially oily skin. But the constant bragging by people around the world made me reintroduce them again into my routine. I find that I can tolerate hydrogel sheet mask a lot better than the regular type. Its more pricey, but it feels a lot better on the skin and absorb better as well. WIth hydrogel, the instant effects I do kind of feel better. Anyways, Im still trying to find the balance when it comes to sheet mask. Idk if I should pick either just the sheet mask and call it a night or get rid of the sheet mask craze completely and just stick to my regular past routine which is DOY from BS, OOL from BS and OOL cream from body shop, or could I just combine both? Idk...we'll see what my skin have to say in a couple of days to come.

Just now my night routine was: oil cleanse, floss, face scrub, body scrub, brush teeth twice with whitening toothpaste and waterpik. After Im out from shower, I use my clay mask, followed by serums, then sheet mask (rn doing). Once this is done Ill just use my OOL eye cream and night cream and call it a day.

but my

NEW VISION FOR FUTURE SKINCARE
is....
Every two days (a.k.a tues, thurs, sat):
oil cleanse and foam cleanse as usual followed by:
CURE aqua gel (a japanese super popular and gentle/effectiveskincare exfoliator) thinking of buying this. Been curious about its efficacy for quiete long.
Then my remaining skincare will be the same.

But every Sunday:
oil cleanse, face scrub like st ives or skinfood,
Personal microdermabrasion followed by face mask or vice versa.

WHatcha think? Cure aqua gel is gentle so I think every two days will be okay. But I'll just limit by more abrasive srub llike ST IVES or Skinfood weekly. PMD is highly pricey but if you think about it, getting regular facial treatments by proffessionals is far more costly and so if I'm gonna be independent with my facial care routine, a little investment wouldnt hurt and might even be well worth it or better worth.


PRAYERS
I have a confession, I struggle greatly with regards to this especially at work. I have my make up on, my shoes just dont work well wet as it will stink like hell, finding prayer location in a mall is also a struggle and a hasle. I want somewhere private with zero paser by while remainig time efficient as well not to mention, a location to take wudhu. I dont have constant accessto the wheel chair toilet every time since there are days when the mall is super packed. And sometimes the toilet create stupid problems, like no water on the sink, or dirty sink with tisses etc. Its soo frustrating.


gtg for now. Night2. I can take off my sheet mask now :P
I might read a chapter of "Reclaim your Heart" by Yasmin Mogahed after this before sleeping.

Chau,
me.

Bismillah,

I finally figured out why it is hard to make this blog thing work. it takes like 5 minute to just on my laptop and the internet here, and finally to this site and to open a new post. I dont have that much time in my hand. Plus, I am a very wordy person as you see for yourself, I really dont hold back from expressing myself and my thoughts and decluttering my brain. So Im thinking, maybe I should just update every mask day which is once every 3 days which I always look forward to because I love pampering my skin and the procedure is quite relaxing to me. The clay mask, I leave on my face for thirty minutes. And the sheet mask is another twenty to thirty minutes. OR, I just update when my off day comes along. Maybe I should just write key points on my phone diary of things that goes down than elaborate it when the time permits it? Plus I reread a bit of my previous posts here and I realize how lengthy and confusing my words could be to others who havent a clue of whats going on in my life. maybe short key points will give my posts a bit more structure?

idk...whatever.
Or as my male colleague like to tease me that my catchphrase is always, "Idklah whatever lah, anything lah" I use to think that that is just a playful and harmful tease, but now Im beginning to suspect that they or someone dislikes that trait of mine. Do I really say that phrase often at work? :?hmm...

Good news. I figure the staircase are in between the toilet. It does look quite private and secure. Maybe I should make pilgrimage and change my praying area from the once fitting room to the staircase next lol.

Speaking of good news and pilgrimage, Im a bit torn. At my class whatsapp group someone state an umrah travelling invitation on march and IM very interested. But its 11 freaking days long. Idk if my parens would allow me and I also am very distressed about how my boss would react. Its a bit last
minute ish and I work a full time job so it will be troublesome for her to make everyone schedule work. She would really hate me for this. Sigh. Should I, or should I not go? But its perfect because I dont have to depend on my unindependable brother to go with me because I do need a mahram to be permitted. sigh again.

What else? I have a brain fart rn so Im gonna go now. ttyl.

Hey there!

Bismillah,

so....I know I shouldve update more but the past few days Ive been worn out completely. I slept more than usual. I was more dazed at work and in life in general. I was also extra hungry. I checked my monthly calander app on my hp and realise that my period will come in 2 weeks time. Yes people, my premenstrual syndrom or symptoms tend to come by that early prior to my period. Alhamdulillah, my period is not as bad as most as I dont experience intense crammps like others do. I just get extra hungry, my face get extra oily with maybe 1 or 2 new visitors named zit and pimple, INTENSE back pain like my back will feel extra extra stiff and uncomfortable than usual. Lately,I realise another possible new symptoms which is "dazed" which is quite a discovery for me. It sucks because I couldnt focus at work, I was extra awkward and self conscious. I suspected my movements to be more stiff and robotic than my normal uncaring and relaxed self.

I dont remember when exactly but a few days ago I woke up from a weird and scary nightmare. I dont remember what the nightmare was about. It was around 3+am and I decided to just wake up and do an extensive room tidy. I also braced myself to go head to the mosque for subuh prayer. It was nice. I remember I was the first woman to reach there and thank God there was soon another 2 woman to arrive and join the jemaah prayers with me. I love the serenity that comes with praying at the mosque, I even love the calming and relaxing/cooling walk towards there from my house with the cool breeze and the lack of human along the road. I guess Im build weird like that. But I prefer being as invincible as possible and when I left the mosque I was hoping it to be as discreet as possible and didnt want to catch any of the male's attention...hopefully. I worked A shift that particular day and when I ended work I decided to pray Isha at the mosque as well. All was good. If only I could be as great as accomplishing my "in between" prayers at work which Im still working on.

This is what sucks about being in Singapore, a non muslim country. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my country to death and am proud to a be a citizen and also of the governments accomplishments at raising the country. I guess it has less to do with the country and more to do with me. I have this character trait where I intensely dislike being the center of attention. I like to be invincible and discreet and blend in as much possible without people giving me another glance. I love being ignored. But I guess this is why the prophet say we muslims are strangers and will remain so in the disbeliever's eyes whether we like it or not. I used to not understand that phrase, now I kinda get it. Our lifestyle is just built that way.

For instance, praying in a public non-islamic setting, alone. I would stand out like a sore thumb. Even taking ablution. Mind you, I work in retail at a mall. There are perhaps more courageous muslims out there, but so far Ive been taking my ablution in the handicapped toilet where I do do it privately without the judgemnetal or confused stares of people. Prayers, Ive been doing them in the cotton on fitting room which constantly blasts loud distracting music and it was quite troublesome. Im trying to build the courage to stop giving a damn about people around me and stop being so conscious. Because honestly my accompishments of prayers are at stake here.

Sometimes...no it actually is a fact. Im always faced with the dilemma of eating a proper full meal, taking ablution and pray in private or reaplying makeup/rest. I can only chose two of the 3 mentioned above. Obviously if I end up missing my prayers, I dont reapply my makeup and just take that time to rest the little that I can. but make up man, once you start you just cant go back. When I do wudhu, I remove them completely with oil cleanser. But after I pray I just dont feel good about going back to work bare faced. I just feel naked. Dont get me wrong, I dont even wear that much makeup. Just a very light layer of foundation and a tinted lip balm or nude lipstick. I just like to look presentable.

gtg.

I'm backkk!! Well, for now at least.

my goodness, its been soo long since I last typed on a keyboard.

...

Well, work doesn't count.

I disappeared quite long didn't I? Currently, I'm typing on MY laptop which has been long neglected, not being dramatic here, but I neglected this laptop for almost a year. It's to the point that my mum nags at me telling me she knew this cheap laptop was going to be one of my regretted purchases and blabbers about how I'm soo stubborn and just never listens to her advice blah blah.

This laptop is a cute mini laptop that is budget friendly and pink in color. Tell me, how do I not buy when 3 of my favorite qualities in a new purchase reside in this?

Anyways....lets see what you have missed in my life and where you were ignored shall we?

So currently I already switched jobs. The last time I worked at Uniqlo, remember? This time I had been working at Owndays which is a well known and international Japanese optical store apparently. This brand is very ambitious and competitive just so you know. If you are not completely sold that it is, then go check out our new warranty policy; its ridiculous, fantasy-driven and risky indeed. Like the company might go bankrupt for this. But they just want to push to be number one no matter what.

So I've been working here for 5 months insyaAllah by the end on this month February.

What else you missed at my work? The drama, the cashier mistakes time and again, unexpectedly plotted against to be matchmaked lol, me getting hit on twice, the back and forth. My personality is well established now. I'm the shortest hijabi awkward and "hardworking" complaining lazy ADHD girl who can't tolerate being bored and constantly fill up her work time with extra unnecessary work just to kill time. I'm sick of being called a "kanchiong" person. But  hey, maybe I am. And I don't ever try to act cute, maybe its just because Im super short hence why my movement make it seem more adorable than it is. I don't know. And its weird, sometimes I'm complimented for being pretty but I myself don't see it or don't feel it and occasionally curious what they see in me?

There is too much catching up to do, its sad all the stories that you have missed but lets brush it aside for now.

What happened today?
Today is my off day from work. I woke up super late, after which me and my mum went to a nearby mall and I bought a couple staffs including a coffee maker for my dad alhamdulillah at Giant and a microsoft word. Damn, I need to find a hobby asap so Im not always tempted to keep on spending. The night before I randomly had the urged to tidy my room, charged this laptop and my similarly long neglected tablet which contained my school memories and early work memories.

So why blog? Why now? Why the disappearance?
So blogging might work for some peopl if it happens to be their copping mechanism in regards to life. Because life is about learning and expressing. Observing and exploring. Input and output. Blogging used to be my output for the loud noises in my head to calm it down. But somehow, due to the hectic schedule and the inconvenience it has become, blogging had become difficult and more of a luxury. So somehow, my copping mechanism and output to life was switched to music and secretly karakoke-ing and dancing in my locked room at the end of an exhausting workday. Sometimes even in the first floor at my living room at midnight when everyone else is asleep. By karaoke, I truly mean lip syncing and making weird facial expressions and dancing like a diva. I do so to forget reality andmy problems for the moment lol.

But, I've been reflecting a bit and I missed my blogging days. I miss rereading on my life random events and there could be some exciting details or life lessons in between those series of events that I might have missed. Me being the nosy person that I am had one day googled to read about other people's morning routine because obviously my life lacked structure. There was one person who mentioned how she would take some time in her morning to blog and declutter her brain as she planned her day ahead and at night she'll update on it to see and write how the day really turned out vs her expectations in the morning. I thought that was interesting.

I need routine. I need more structure and balance in my life. I need more self growth, self reflection and self love. I thought maybe blogging at night will be a wiser way to end he day after a tiring work day to declutter and story tell to my future nosy self who wants to reminiscence of my past. It might be a great way, because compared to songs, it will help me transition into sleeping mode soon after I exhaust myself of typing as my mind relaxes. Music to me is like coffee to others. It gets me hyper, energetic and awake which is not wise to end the night with.

Anyways, from this point onwards we can just wait and see.
p.s: I'm notorious for not keeping true to my words and for disappearing. Please be more understanding :P

Assalamualaikum wr wb

I deleted all my old post because it sounded too childish it makes me cringe. I think it was from 2 years ago. Guys, I have a question? Remember your childhood, like what your personality was like 10 or so years ago? Like your understanding of the world back then and so on and so forth? At the age that you are today, do you still feel like you can relate to the person you were back then? Like do you still feel like you are the same person? Me personally, when I reminiscence of my old past, I weirdly feel distant to it. I don't feel like the me today and me from the past were the same person at all. Don't mistake me for having a sad depressing past, because I don't. I had sweet memories of back then. But I feel like I've grown with the experience that I've gained, and my personality changes a slight bit as well. I am now not as outspoken, cheerful, social or as daring as I was back then.

Anyways, for 16 years of my school life, from the age of 4 to 20, it all revolved around a madrasah. Now, I'm 21. I am taking a year break since I've completed my A-levels. But thankfully, I am working. For the first 6 months of my "holiday" away from school, I laze around at home a lot. I felt super guilty because I was wasting my precious time, neither schooling nor working. But Mid-June, I got myself a job at Uniqlo, a retail shop as a full timer. I was super excited to start my job there as I was finally going to be productive with my time.

The first month working there, I suffered a lot. I was super fatigued, super busy, and got a lot of critics from my supervisors and this was despite working my ass off. I was broken as my best wasn't enough. But luckily my strong determination to never go back to my "unproductive dark past" made me persevere and never give up despite a close work friend of mine who started the same time as me quit from the overload stress. I had a clear mind of where I wanted to head with this, which was to save at least $500/month, with a total of $7,000 by March 2016. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with that amount of money, but I was determined to get it. My guess was to use it to reduce my father's financial strain on my education ahead of time. As a full timer, my pay was $1,600, but it was $1,280 after cutting down on CPF.

It worked well in the beginning. I was realistic enough to set aside some money to shop so I could at least feel and enjoy the fruit of my hard work. All that pain, the tears, the backache and restful days were worth it when I see the money rolling inside my bank account. I gave my dad $50, my mum $50, my elder brother $10, my younger brother $10, charity $10. It wasn't much, but it for the sake of getting the "barakah". I took my Ustazah's teaching back in my school days to heart. She said when we receive a blessing, we should share it with the ones we love so that we can all share the happiness together and everyone can have a small bite of the blessing so I can in turn get the barakah,  Not only that, I also started to live independently. I paid my own transport fees, my handphone bills, and my  own food fees when I was working which shockingly took the hugest portion of my pay. I stopped  depending on my dad for money and plan my finances carefully by jotting down every little spendage I make every day to review them time to time.

I get better at work. My shopoholic urges was burning inside, especially when I have hard days. I successfully kept my shopping within the limits that I have set. I had mood swings with work. My work has 2 shifts; morning (8am-6:30pm) & Afternoon shift (12:30pm-11+pm) I tend to have to extend each time, which I learn was normal in a work setting. My energy was drained. I work 5 days a week on long hours. On my days off, I slept like a person who has never tasted the beauty of sleep for ages. Before I know it I had to work again. I realized my life revolved around work and my days off were meaningless as by then I was too drained to do anything else. My working schedule was random and I had no say. Because of this, I had a hard time arranging a reunion meeting with my ex-schoolmates as they have to conform to my schedule which was unpredictable. I started to contemplate working as part-time instead. The beauty of part time is shorter working hours and the freedom to choose your working days and hours. But the pay was a joke, it's far less than a full timer.

Life never flows smoothly for anyone. Before you get too comfortable, life strikes and gives you a life quiz to solve. (It's as if life is trying to remind you that you are not completely in control of the storybook which stars you as the main character. The Writer is in control, God. Your control is your reaction, your adaptability to learn and grow) That is something I knew too well over the years. But I could never predicted what was about to come.  My younger brother started acted weird. He faced depression and severe anxiety/paranoia. Needless to explain much, my world came crashing as I see the pain in his eyes. I felt guilty for being to busy and caught up with work that I couldn't be there for him. His depression made me redefine what depression means. Because I thought I had tasted the darkness of "depression", but seeing how he suffereda lot worse made me realize it was a lot darker.

Fast forward, you don't really need to know the details. But I changed to part time. I still can't figure how to be there for him. I try, sometimes. It was almost he was far-fetched. But I realized even he wants to heal, so he is trying hard. He started to get close to Allah as his means of cure. I admired him for that.

Rewind to the weeks before school graduation. I've had already foreseen this struggle for me and my classmates. I know the real world that was waiting for us. I knew the major 2 tests that will come for us as we leave and depart:

1. As teenagers in general breaking through our shells, finding our identity and forte. We will be introduced to a taste of "adulthood" with all its beauty and pain. Alone, independent. Meet new people, step out of our comfort box, and hardest of all, finding our talent, passion and identity.

2. As Muslims, especially us who had been in a madrasah background all our life. Stepping out of that, and entering into a secular society where religion is generally meaningless to everyone else. Our Iman will be tested more than ever. Your prayers and general practice of your religion is no longer monitored, in fact at times suppressed with super busy schedule. Fashion, especially as muslimahs. We no longer need to use a school uniform. Its now tempting to become slightly more stylish and fashionable. Its now up to us to take the initiative, rediscover our faith, and set our priorities in life. If we don't set our priorities in life, the world will do it for us.  This applies for everything else.

I learn a taste of this as I started my working life. Especially in a hectic retail shop, constantly running trying to fix things, engage with customers etc. Most times, I had to think: food or prayers? I had to rush like crazy to fit in both because I can't not eat when I work for too long hours, I was starved! But I had to cut down unnecessary chit chats to do that. The weird and awkward stares I received in the toilet just to get my ablution done was nerve wrecking each time. I felt uncomfortable. I wanted so bad to take wudu' at the wheelchair toilet to escape the awkwardness but the wheel chair toilet in that floor had a STRONG stench of cigarette smoke. I realized that there was someone who works in the shopping center in that same floor as me would go to the toilet everyday in groups to smoke cigar together! I was pissed. I always swear at them in my brain, they just piss me the hell off with their inconsiderate behavior. I swear, the stench is 100 times worse than the haze in China!

Shaitan sweeps in and made me lazy. "You can't pray, You are busy! You have to eat, you crazy?! You can't be serious, you really want to take wudu' in front of everyone in the public toilet, what are you an attention seeker? You look disgusting opening your socks and wetting your feet like that, what are they going to think? The cleaner probably will hate you the most. You are a joke, you look like you took a short shower. Pfft, even if you prayed, do you think God will accept it? Look at your clothes, you are not wearing telekung it's not appropriate. Look at the PLACE you are praying, the fitting room, seriously? Not only is the space super small to make prayers, there is music blaring, you can't get khushu'."

The worst part of it all? Not having a friend who cares about prayers just as much as I am, not having anyone to motivate me. NO ONE cared about religion or God, it was never a topic in a conversation. I struggled a lot. Sometimes I just give up and I feel empty inside. When I went on the internet, the hatred for muslims were no joke it made me depressed.

Now you know me a little better. You know a bit of my struggles. Yes, everyone has struggles! Me, you, everyone. Just because we wear a smile all the time, just because we don't share our concerns does not mean it was not there so if you do struggle with anything, understand that you are not alone. Now you know my past and my present. What's next for me?

Why did I even take a year break from school? Why did I write this blog all of a sudden?

I took a year break from school for various reasons. Part of it was an act of rebellion against a fast-paced society who constantly throws us new things to accomplish as though demanding us. I don't want to blindly follow the crowd and I needed time for myself to think and breathe. Another reason was I didn't know who I am. I don't know if this is what they refer to as an "identity crisis". I don't have that obsession of understanding my personality and defining it as most stray teenagers struggled with. My  identity is indescribable, my personality is my reactions to things and my likes and dislikes just happens. I don't need to define me or build an attractive charater with persona. I am me. My struggle is more towards understanding my forte and my passion, and how to transform that into a job. My struggle is with the availability of too many options in front of me, I don't know which to take and which is best for me. My struggle is with narrow minded people who thinks you can only be successful through one means and one means only. My struggle is with people who try to make decisions for me about which path I should take; they don't realize if it's not my passion, I will suffer for a lifetime.  I have a lot on my mind. University? Polythecnic? Overseas? Retake A-levels? University is attractive, but the costs is not. I don't want to live a life of debt, sorry to brake it to you, and what's up with people thinking Uni is the only path to success? My father concluded I might need poly. My uncles want me to take NIE and become a teacher ("It's more stable and debt-free with sponsorship and all.") When will people understand that I really don't know what I want, what is best and I need time and space, I. Need. A. Break.

Why this blog? I think it will be interesting to document my experiences to find me. To rediscover God again, to fix/strengthen my relationship with my family, to find my passion and to have a clear vision of my goals for my future. I have 6 months remaining guys, I HAVE to come to conclusion by then and HAVE to take actions.

A memory of a whatsapp chat with an ex-classmate comes into play. I was telling her about work and stuffs how tiring it was etc, and she said I should seriously enjoy my break while it lasts. That was a few months ago and only NOW I come to realize, working my ass off and saving money for the sake of saving and having no time to myself is a bit lonely and dull. I'm not a robot. It goes against everything I believe in, it's again no difference than following the crowd and being a puppet of society. Perhaps, I need to spend some of that money to rediscover my talents and passion. Perhaps I need the time off work to go out of my comfort zone and seek out new things. Perhaps, if I want to be adventurous and enjoy my freedom, now is the only time to do that and maybe explore Singapore in ways which I have yet uncovered. All this, alone. I have given up wanting a companion to accompany me through this, because everyone is busy, not everyone is as eager or is as passionate about this as I am and I am tired of compromising things and giving up on things because of them and my cowardice.

I can't promise you I'll update on things, but I'll try. Now, all that's left is effective planning  and most importantly, action. I need to be comfortable with being alone in a crowd and I need to learn to not be afraid of failure, to speak out my mind, and that the road of success is many.

That is all guys, sorry for the long posts, you have suffered your eyes enough :)
Salam <3